(Everyone) Stepping Directly into the Chaos

 This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 9th, 2019 at 6:07 pm

I had the privilege of doing something yesterday, stepping directly into my own personal chaos. Now I know that sounds strange, so let me explain. For the second time in the past six months, I went and did a “float”. For those that are not familiar, a float is an experience where you go into a pod or a room and float. It sounds crazy / strange, I completely recognize that. When I say that I am stepping directly into my own personal chaos, I mean specifically my own anxiety.

Anxiety, for those that are unaware, shows itself in many different ways and certainly in many different situations. For me, stepping into the chaos is the idea of purposefully putting myself into a situation where I have to focus on the anxiety in order to get through it.

We think in pictures; we don’t think in words…….so let me paint a picture. If you have ever seen the Bourne Identify movies, you may remember the first movie where Jason Bourne is found floating in the body of water. That is the best way I explain the picture of a float. Imagine floating on water with no help from yourself. Now imagine that feeling in an enclosed space, in pitch black. For me, that is stepping into the chaos. As you are laying there, you are forced to listen to the shortness of your breath, the pounding of your heart, and the racing of your thoughts. If that is not the picture of anxiety, I’m not really sure what is.

The first few minutes are talking to yourself, coaching yourself into a calm state, getting acquainted with your surroundings, and the consistent question of if I am going to make it stop (i.e. turn the lights on, create some peace) or am I going to sit in the uncomfortableness until it ceases?  My thoughts bounced from my marriage, to my kids, my family, my work, my impact (or lack thereof), and those areas that I need to resolve within myself and get better at. Wrestling with Guilt (I did something wrong) vs Shame (something wrong with me) and navigating it to make my irrational thoughts come to light and be exposed.

In the end, I was able to sit through the entire 60-minute session in complete darkness in my attempts to make peace with that with which I cannot control. You see, in the chaotic state which can be anxiety, it is hard for me to slow down and start to identify those areas/things I can control………which, of course contributes to anxiety. If these things continue and we feel like we are not making any positive movement out of it, our minds naturally start going to place of shame (there is something wrong with me and that is why I cannot “fix” this). Instead, in that moment of powerlessness, we can choose to sit in it (i.e. close our eyes, really feel the heartbeat, our breath, our racing mind, etc.) or we can choose to run from it. This would be the classic “fight or flight” theory. Our natural inclination is to try and resolve it immediately, or let’s be honest “fix” it. Instead, I want to get better at sitting in my anxiety, and then identify the irrational/rational thoughts that are contributing to it.

Ex. Up for a promotion at work that I really want. (Rational – it is rational to feel anxious about this because I really want it.

Ex. My boss made a comment about my work that is leaving me anxious about my job. (Irrational – if we can honestly look at our work experience and pragmatically see that we have done nothing to be concerned, then the thoughts may be irrational).

Just keep showing up.