(Parenting) Helping to Create More Resiliency in our Kids

 This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 16th, 2019 at 5:49 pm

Today’s blog is a follow-up to one of my last blogs entitled, “Wait, I thought $$$$ brought happiness…. not high SUICIDE rates?” (http://www.ryancragg.org/2019/01/08/wait-i-thought-brought-happiness-not-high-suicide-rates/)

As I mentioned in the last blog, how could people be challenged with some of the highest suicide rates, while also living in one of the Top 10 Places to Live in the Country. This question has left me pondering, and thus I reached out to others for their thoughts.  Today, I want to reframe the question to pose the other side of the challenge, “How do we create more resiliency in our kids.” I believe that this is the more important question.

As a kid, I was a whiner. I can admit that now. I threw temper tantrums, I got irate, I became self-centered, and most importantly……I failed to know real perseverance. When I say perseverance, I mean facing real struggle and the ability to continue to move forward in healthy ways. I am a master at struggle, and then trying to deal with it all in the unhealthiest ways imaginable. Here’s the thing though, that does not easily go away……and, well, shocker, its not a great way to live as an adult. That being said, if we want our kids to know real triumph, real fulfillment of life, and ultimately the ability to overcome adversity, we, as parents, need to do better. So, I provide my thoughts:

Let Your Kid(s) Struggle, what is the worst that happens?
If you posed this question to yourself and really were able to look at it pragmatically, most of the time you would see that your fears are not “realistic”. That’s the key, being realistic. If your child does not have an iPhone in middle school, what is the worst thing that happens? If your child does not wear the newest Jordan’s (substitute any clothing item), what is the worst that happens? Cars, stuff, you name it, and then ask yourself the same question.

I get it, we all want our kids to have better. But, better what……. stuff? Stuff brings entitlement. Entitlement brings expectation. Expectation brings an attitude of, “I deserve……” Entitlement also brings a quitter’s mentality. Entitled people would rather quit than look bad, and thus a low level of resilience.

The worst thing we can do as parents is to rescue our kids TOO MUCH. In my insecurity as a parent, if I continue to rescue my child when things get tough, I stunt their ability to overcome obstacles in their life. Well-adjusted kids have parents that teach the value of hard work and that hard work is a necessary part of life.

Let Your Kid(s) face rejection, what is the worst that happens?

Growing up, I struggled with rejection, or maybe it would be better to say the fear of rejection. In the end though, being told no is not a bad thing. If your child does not get picked for a sports team (replace with any team), so many people’s immediate idea is to call that coach and let them know my thoughts!!!! Here’s the thing, if your child did not get picked, they may not be good enough…….and that’s ok. Parents calling the coach/teacher/principal/director is ABOUT YOU, not your child. What are THEY going to do about it? How are THEY going to learn from it? What do THEY plan to do about it?

We give our kids the right to have a “Victim Mentality”

As a kid, when faced with a problem, my go to was to blame someone else. This is a direct result of having a fragile ego. When kids have not been allowed to fail, face real struggle, or face rejection they can fall immediately into a victim mentality (it’s always someone else’s fault and taking no ownership). Your child fails his/her math test and they say that their teacher didn’t explain it well enough. A first-grader with a victim mentality that goes uncorrected can become the fifth-grader with multiple suspensions, the eighth-grader who self-medicates, the high school dropout, and the 17-year-old convict.

It is so easy for us to give in to this victim mentality and get on the side of our child (i.e. you have every right to be angry, and yes, the teacher is _______). We, as the parents, need to promote the idea that “life is not fair”, so what are they going to do about it? If we want kids that are strong enough to handle adversity, and not fall into being victims (or learned helplessness), then we need to teach them how to be strong through adversity.

Question for you: if you believe that you are successful at anything, is it because you were given every opportunity, or did you have to work to overcome the adversity and struggle it took to become a success?

“What Happened” vs “Buck Up”
Letting our kids struggle is important, but us telling them to simply deal with it (whether we say it verbally or just don’t communicate anything at all) is not effective. Parents need to validate kids’ emotions (empathy), while challenging how they are going to deal with it. The idea is that you want kids to be able to talk about their feelings, but not become completely succumbed by them and use them to reinforce a victim mentality.

I have found the simple question, “What Happened” to be incredibly effective at lowering the guard of your child. The questions we pose when they are challenged can either lower their guard or raise it up. With a lowered guard you will have an opportunity to communicate with them more effectively.

Ex: You talk with your child about the reasons for an outburst (“what happened?”), and then brainstorm alternative strategies for the next time he felt that way. The goal in this example is to get to the root of the problem, not to discipline them for the way that their brain is wired. When we focus our efforts on helping them to solve the problem, instead of punishment, we will see more success for them.

Label your feelings well

When we are able to correctly label the feelings inside, we are less likely to deal with them in unhealthy ways. Kids are no different. In my experience, so much of the struggle is to identify what is going on currently, because my emotions are all over the place, which makes my mind feel chaotic, which contributes to my inability to slow down and think it through. Picture a temper tantrum. All it is, is noise. Do we contribute to the noise, or do we help them effectively label and communicate the feelings?

Another thing to think about, kids who struggle to talk about their feelings tend to take those feelings out on others/things, which can then lead to an adult who doesn’t know how to cope with anger/sadness.

A soothing toolbox
Using tools and/or routines when they are upset creates much more effective kids/adults in dealing with their emotions. While some techniques will not be effective, keep trying, don’t give up, help them to identify ways that they can self-soothe when they are overwhelmed.

We can try and control our children’s behaviors, but we may be undermining their motivation, autonomy, ability to relate to others, and ability to learn self-control. Instead, help them to control it themselves and thus learning the ability to develop new skills.

Taking Ownership of our Mistakes, and then fixing them
Brene Brown has a great Ted Talk where she talks about shame and the role that it plays in our mental health. She says, “Guilt (I did something wrong) vs Shame (something is wrong with me).” Shame is the thing that can do an extreme amount of damage to us personally.

Here’s the thing, so many people mistake Shame for Guilt. If I yelled at my child and I know I was wrong, I am GUILTY. In order to resolve the issue, I must now take ownership for my role and make amends. This is a teachable moment. This reinforces to our children to take ownership for those things you did wrong. Kids need to learn to take OWNERSHIP of their GUILTY mistakes. If they are guilty of something, what are they going to do about it?

Success or Failure is NOT THE FOCUS……. Their Effort is
If you follow sports at all, so many times an athlete will reach the pinnacle (i.e. Super Bowl, National Championship, Gold Medal, etc.) and then will turn right around with the thought of, “is this it?!”

At 43 years old now, I recognize that so much of life is about the journey…not the destination. If you disagree vehemently with that statement, then I would question what your goals are. I, personally, want kids that are honest, kind, work hard, and can be counted on. In order to achieve that, I need to focus on their effort. Effort creates resiliency. If its only about the outcome, what happens when they see its not working out……. they tend to quit. The big win comes in the form of not just fixing the problems, but setting children up for success on their own.