“You effing loser!!!!”

 This entry was posted on Thursday, October 4th, 2018 at 6:54 pm

I’ve always wanted to be good. When I was growing up it was on the field and in the classroom, yet whenever I would make a mistake I was the hardest on myself. For a time, I was also hard on my teammates. I would ruthlessly yell at them and throw a mini temper tantrum, to their detriment. At some point, I finally started growing up and would not ever think of yelling at my teammates, but something else happened, I became ruthlessly self-critical. The most minor of mistakes were blown out of proportion in my own head. I was brutal on myself. At first, I would fight it, but then those seeds of self-doubt would start creeping in and before I knew, “loser” was ringing through my head……. then it became “stupid”, then “you f_ c_ing idiot”, and, well, you can imagine. In truth, I was never able to overcome it in my youth. It took over, it consumed me. I was “the stupid kid”, the “baby”, the petulant teenager with the childish tendencies. To this day, that little boy wants to come out. I recognize now that this was all due to my shame. Brene Brown (link below) has spoken most eloquently about the battle of Guilt vs Shame. Guilt (I have done something wrong) vs Shame (something is wrong with me). In so many ways you will never see, I am the poster boy for shame.

I so want to be good. I want to know that I have impacted others, I want to know that I actually did something good……. but maybe more than that, I want to live from a place of ruthless pragmatism that overcomes any internal shame. So much of our shame comes from a deeply emotional place, a place of hurt, a place of unrest, possibly a place of trauma but does not have to become our guide for life.

Remember, Guilt (I need to go apologize) vs Shame (you idiot, see, you are NEVER going to change; I am ALWAYS going to be this way).