Alas, I remain a work in progress

 This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 28th, 2018 at 4:47 pm

I feel happy, but more than that, I have a level of peace. As a child, all that I wanted was to be rich. In my naïve elementary mind, I always thought that money would make me happy. At one point I wanted to be a dentist because I thought they made a lot of money. At another point I wanted to be a stockbroker because they made a lot of money, in fact, I even interviewed for a job only to be told that “you don’t have the look to be a good stockbroker.” It was defeating because, well, “I want to be happy” (i.e. RICH). I think recollection from my past is easy to say right now as I’m sitting here on Sunday night, my parents here from out of town in the other room playing with my kids. Alas, I remain a work in progress.

I think peace for me comes from a place of being married 14 years and never imagining that any one person would except me for that long. From time to time I will be personally awoken with a terrifying fear that my parents will be gone one day, my wife whom I love and laugh with deeply could be taken from me, my kids that frustrate me each individually could all be taken at any moment. But I live with a peace. I am past the point of thinking that any money, the house, experiences could bring me true joy and peace, it is those relationships that really provide me a level of peace. The anger and strife of my childhood and early adulthood has waned a bit. Alas, I remain a work in progress.

I want to be good, I want to know that I’ve impacted others, I want to know that I have opportunities to help make another person’s life better. I think about my funeral from time to time and wonder when I leave this earth will there be just one or two people there? I’m not done though. I think real fear is wondering did I do anything good? Alas, I remain a work in progress.

I still wish that moments didn’t make me so emotional. I wish that in the moment I didn’t get so angry. I wish that I recognized true beauty more often. I wish those little things that I think are “not little” I got better at recognizing how powerful they are. But alas, I remain a work in progress.

I truly love that there are people out there that will trust me and tell me deeply personal stories that no one else has heard. I love that somebody would put that much trust in some random guy with the hopes that maybe we can get through it together. For me, there’s nothing greater than that. I truly love it, and I think it contributes to my sense of peace. I have been privileged to know real darkness, whether my own or someone else’s, and in hearing somebody expound on it in a way to either test me and see my reaction, or to let me in that one corridor of their mind that we never go in……that is a very powerful thing. We are all filled with the tension of do I go further, do I share this nugget, do I push through the personal resistance that is telling me in any and all ways to just stop!!!!? My operating system can be downright despicable at times. My internal Fight Club will be something that I will forever try to master. My personal intense insecurity I have to believe one day will be smothered to a minimal ember……. Alas, I remain a work in progress.