I’m Not Angry!!!!…..I’m Insecure
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 22nd, 2018 at 3:54 pm
I can remember the situation like it was yesterday. Going about my daily routine like any other day, a young lady whom I did not know came up to me inquisitively. She looked at me and asked, “is everything ok?” Looking at her puzzled, I replied, “yeah, why?!” “Because you always look angry.”
I wish I could tell you that I handled this situation well, but that would be a lie. Sure, I was fine in front of her, at least I acted unscathed in that moment. I mean, I did not yell or curse at her, no I saved that for the car. “Who the hell is she!!!” “Who the f____ is she to ask me that!!!” “Screw her, and everyone else at that stupid school!!!” You can see where this is going.
I had been found out, the façade had been cracked by this unsuspecting girl. I couldn’t sleep that night, I was so angry and embarrassed by this one singular moment……never knowing that this would propel me in what I now believe I am truly meant to do. See, what she did not know was that I was not angry……I was insecure. It took me a long time and a lot of fuming to finally figure that out.
I struggled mightily as a young person. I was stupid, I was an idiot, I was a loser (I could go on and on with the terms that engulfed my mind). Everyone else I looked at was significantly better than me and I could prove it. When this unsuspecting girl enlightened the world to my truth in a moment, she not only exposed my weak insignificance, she solidified the truth to all those deep / dark beliefs that I had harbored for so long.
Here’s the weird part. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret that moment. I wouldn’t change all those times I thought about seriously hurting myself. I would not change the deep-seated anxiety and depression I felt on a daily basis. I would not even change the impact those deeply held beliefs had on my poor school performance, my struggles in sports, my difficulties with peers, and my inability to connect with girls. I wouldn’t change any of them, because my hope now is that it helps me to connect with others in an empathetically impactful way.
I don’t know much, I am an expert at only one thing…….me. I know me better than anyone else ever will. I know my struggle, and thankfully I have been blessed to know a few others.