I WEAR A THOUSAND MASKS

 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 20th, 2018 at 2:46 pm

For my very first entry, I had to share something that is deeply personal to me. This writing below speaks directly at who I see when I see you. The reality is only a very select few know my true mask, not because I am someone special, but instead because not everyone is safe. I hope that this resonates with you.

I WEAR A THOUSAND MASKS

(Charles C. Finn)
I am every man and every woman you meet.

I hope you won’t be fooled by me for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and one of them is me.

I am likely to give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command and that I need no one. But I hope you won’t believe me.

My surface may be smooth…beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated façade to shield me from your understanding. But such understanding is my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it.

If I don’t keep the mask in front of myself I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

So I play that game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without, and a trembling feeling within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave surface tones…I tell you everything that’s nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. So when I go into my routine, I hope you won’t be fooled by what I’m saying. I hope you listen carefully to hear what I’m not saying.

I dislike the superficial, phony game I am playing. I’d really like to be open, genuine and spontaneous. I want your help in doing this. I want you to risk approaching me even when that’s the last thing I seem to want, or need. I want this from you so I can be alive. Each time you’re kind, and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my courage to risk sharing myself with you increases.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose. But it will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness leads me to maintain distance.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It is self-defeating but at the time it seems the safest thing to do. I fight against the very things that I cry out for. But I am told that empathy is stronger than walls and therein lies my hope. I desperately want you to understand me in spite of my distancing tactics.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

(All) Brotherhood

Image
The two pictures above represent two stages of my life. The first, when I was around 7/8, I would meet a kid named Luke Misemer on my under 8 soccer team who would go on to have an incredible impact on my life. The second picture is a great group of friends (Luke second from left), who would represent such blessings in my life through a lifetime of challenges, with some success sprinkled in. In all, true brotherhood.  We recently lost Luke to Stage 4 lung cancer. 47 years young. When he told me the news of his cancer, to say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. He was my best friend for 40 years. 40 years of true friendship, 40 years of some conflict, 40 years of unbelievably good times, and 40 years of not knowing that 40 years was ultimately not long enough.  I was recently speaking with my therapist through my tears when he asked what I thought was essentially the reason he ultimately meant so much to me. I would’ve thought that the answer was pre...
Read more

(ALL) Anxiety, I freaking hate it!

Image
  This entry was posted on Thursday, March 11th, 2021 at 8:25 pm When I was in my early 20’s I was at a department store. If I remember correctly, I was simply returning something that my mom had gotten for me. I don’t remember there being a level of stress as that is not what stand out. As I approached the counter to pay, my vision started to become altered. My heart began beating harder and faster then I have ever felt. I was losing it, right in front of these people. “Don’t pay attention…..you can get through this…..this is nothing…..etc.” ran through my head. Next, it felt like walls were closing in on me as my eyesight began to close. In a moment, I dropped everything on the counter and ran to the bathroom where I would be perched on the toilet, praying to any God that would hear me, to please take this from me. It would be years later when I would learn that this was a panic attack. It was a terribly frightening experience for me. Anxiety is all about chaos in the brain and t...
Read more

(ALL) This Is How Much Exercise You Need to Help Prevent and Manage Depression

This Is How Much Exercise You Need to Help Prevent and Manage Depression It's not a scary number! By Hana Hong Do shorter days and blustery temperatures make you feel down? It’s totally normal to experience the fall and winter blues. In fact, seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a mental health condition characterized by extended, recurring periods of major depression linked to seasonal changes, particularly the lack of natural light.12 Symptoms typically emerge in the late fall and early winter and subside in the spring. SAD, or seasonal depression, can include a whole bevy of negative symptoms, like difficulty sleeping, hopelessness, loss of interest, and low energy. There are several strategies you can try to feel better (hello, light therapy, weighted blankets, and therapy apps). But tons of research has found that one of the best ways to lower your odds for developing depression, seasonal or otherwise, is to get some regular exercise.3 And the best news? You don’t need to ...
Read more